Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
