My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
