I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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