i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
