saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
