She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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