I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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