i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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