I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
