ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
