that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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