you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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