Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
