Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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