she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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