They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
