his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
