saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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