Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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