I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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