she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
