How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
