It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
