my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
