He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
