Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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