Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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