and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
