I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She bit a glass in half.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
