I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
