the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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