either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
