I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
