loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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