Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
