Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
