you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
