Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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