party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
