I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
