Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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