god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
