I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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