We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
