also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
