Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
