I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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