Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
