I wanna bring you to show and tell
look no pants
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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