They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
